Frustrations of the Dead

While most guys were feeding their honeys semi burnt toast and undercooked pancakes for breakfast in an attempt to be forgiven for the years past transgressions this past valentine’s day weekend. I convinced my wife to travel 100 miles north to Alexandria Virginia to catch George A Romero’s newest zombie flick Diary of the Dead. If you’ve been reading this blog you already know I’ve been a wee bit excited to see this film, and nothing says I love you like a healthy dose of shambling carnivorous undead.

Before I get to the promised review I have a few things I need to get off my chest. Now anyone who knows me will tell you I am the epitome of laid back. Nothing phases me, Charlie’s as serene as they come. Then they will burst out laughing and take a step back to avoid the oncoming lightning bolt. Demons will start putting on snowshoes and parkas in preparation for quick frost coming hells way.

Ok, so the ride was pretty uneventful, we made great time and traffic was what I expected it to be. We get to the theatre, the AMC on Swamp Fox road and one out of six of the ticket kiosks were in working order. There are 21 theaters in this place and I pre-purchased to avoid standing in line. Fortunately, as I said we made great time and this didn’t slow us down too much.

Let me just say, I have a few pet peeves. Blinker negligence is one of them, as is parking two feet from the curb. These however are minor irritants. Since when, may I ask, is standing in line for 18 minutes acceptable anywhere other than the DMV, or to get concert tickets? I just drove 90 minutes; all I want is a salty snack and an ice cold beverage. Let me start with concession stand guy, let’s call him J, (he knows who he is) The only way I can describe the alacrity with which J moved is to compare him to the old man Tim Conway played on the Carol Burnett show. My god time actually moved backwards around him to give the impression of forward motion. Now J, buddy, if you’re out there, maybe there is some physical reason you cannot move as fast as, say a crawling infant on valium, and if that is the case I am truly sorry for singling you out, but did you ever think that maybe the fast paced world of food service is not for you? Give the ticket window a try, at least you get to sit.

So here we are waiting for an interminable length of time. The impatient people behind us are starting to encroach on our personal space earning baleful stares from me and Tere. Finally, there are two people ahead of us, we can see the light at the end and the woman at the counter doesn’t…know…what…she…wants.

C’mon, really? We’ve been standing here for how long and you don’t know what to order? You do know this is a theater right? The choices are somewhat limited. There’s no menu really to speak of. I can understand not knowing if you’re in the mood for nachos, but not knowing what you want after standing here all this time, were you sleeping? She changed her mind so many times, and I watched J go back and forth at a glacial pace. Tree Ents were waving their branches in frustration (look it up, it’s from the Lord of the Rings)

I actually had to step off the line to curtail the oncoming tirade I was about to unleash. I have never wanted to slap food out of someone’s hands more than I did when she walked past me with enough snacks to feed three, and if I were younger I would have gladly done so even at the price of a ticket. (I also would have done it if someone was filming cause nothing important happens if it’s not filmed – ohhhhh, foreshadowing)

I’m gonna skip the part where the couple behind us decided to talk through a good portion of the movie because ignance is ignance, at least they didn’t bring a baby.

Oh, people, just for the record, leaving your phone on vibrate is nearly as annoying as leaving the ringer on. You know that fly in your room that keeps you awake half the night? It’s quieter than your vibrating phone. C’mon, it’s not new technology. Turn the sounds off. If your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting her call what the hell are you doing at the movies?

Northern Virginia is like a roach motel. You can get in, but don’t expect to see any signs to get you out. We actually had to consult the map to get on the highway that was less than a ¼ mile away as there were no signs ANYWHERE! It took sheer luck, and fifteen minutes of circling to find the on ramp and fortunately it was going the right way.

Needless to say I would rather fly to New York to see movies Richmond may never get than to go to northern Va. for an afternoon.

Thanks for letting me rant/whine. Let me know what bugs you. Maybe I’ll start a list, as long as “bloggers that waste my time with pointless whiny rants” isn’t on it.

In the meantime enjoy this clip of Tim Conway, you only need to watch the 1^st few minutes to get the J experience.

I’ll review the movie tomorrow….promise.